Monday, April 18, 2011

Feelings

I know this is going to sound ridiculous but tonight I cried when I saw the expiration date on our eggs was May 6th.  Yes, it's true...I stood at the refrigerator and cried.  Thankfully it actually had nothing to do with our eggs but just seeing something with the date of May on it was one of my many reminders that May will be here way too soon.  This means Cain's Fontan surgery is just around the corner.  I can't stand the weeks leading up to his surgeries.  I'm always an emotional wreck.  I can be fine one moment and crying the next.  I'm usually doing okay as long as I stay busy.  And I mean real busy.  But as his surgery gets closer and closer I find myself sometimes with tears in my eyes at the most unusual times.  Like tonight with the eggs.

It seems like this is the year of the Fontan.  There have been so many children that I keep up with via Facebook or blogs that have or will be undergoing their Fontan this year.  Most everyone seems to have had a very successful surgery and recovery so that certainly helps me.  But no matter what, there is no way you can ever be emotionally ready for your child to have to undergo a major open heart surgery.  It makes it even harder for me because I wish there was a way I could explain to Cain what was about to happen and why.

Another added stress is this will be the first surgery that I'll be torn between my time with Cain and with Callie.  My focus was 100% on Cain for his last two surgeries.  I know my family will be here to help with Callie but it will still be hard being away from her some.  I know it could be a lot worse though.  There are many families that have to leave siblings behind in one city and travel to another city or even another state for their child's surgeries.  I can't even imagine what that must be like.

There is a part of me that is so ready to get this final scheduled surgery behind us and then there is the other part that will never be ready!  Even though I'm constantly worrying I feel that I do a great job in not letting my fear ruin our days and moments leading up to this surgery.  All of my moments with Cain are so special (even the moments when he is throwing his 2 year old temper tantrums) but every moment with him seems to be even more special in these weeks leading up to his surgery.

3 comments:

Hope's Blog said...

This is the year of the Fontan. So many little ones have had theirs this year...they are all doing amazingly well. Cain will do amazing too. Splitting your time will be hard, but always remember that Cain will be home with all of you and Callie will get your attention back soon enough. You will remain in my thoughts and prayers.

Katie said...

Don't feel silly at all...I did this when I grabbed a box of Gogurts at Costco the other day. Seeing the date really makes it more "real". There is no escaping this, is there!?! Feeling your pain...we're right behind you. Much love and heart hugs.

Kyle and Alli said...

Thanks for you comment on Grant's blog. It is so nice to have other moms who know EXACTLY what these weeks feel like. AAGGHHH!! I get the eggs breakdown. I had a similar one yesterday when buying milk and realizing that it would expire just one day before we left for the hospital, and another one realizing that some of his medications are almost gone, but not due to be refilled until May 4th. All those dates just drive it all home! Good luck to you guys as you prepare for this surgery and live the last few weeks of waiting and memory making!

Hugs!

Alli